A New Year…. And a New Perspective
I have now been on fertility medications for over 3 months…. Still not pregnant.
All of our tests have come back saying that everything is fine and seeing as how our first 2 came without problems the next shouldn’t either.
The last 2 years I have been using my wanting to get pregnant as an excuse, an excuse not to get healthy. I would think to myself, well if I work out too hard it might throw my body out of whack and then I won’t be able to get pregnant. (Plot Twist: Apparently your body is out of whack already) Or even worse I would think, I will probably get pregnant next month and just put all the weight back on so why try… Well after doing this for 2 years I find myself extremely out of shape and a tad overweight.
So, I have decided that this year I am living in the now. I am working out with a trainer 2 times a week, I am watching what I eat and I am making a conscious effort to move more throughout the day. I have decided that I might get pregnant next month…. But seeing how things are going I probably won’t and I don’t want to be stagnant anymore. I want to be healthy and feel better about me. I want to try and fix the things that I know I can fix, even if they aren’t easy. I want to be continuously working on being a better me.
This obviously encompasses more than just health and I am working on that too. One thing that I have thought about a lot when it comes to infertility, is how it is so hard but, it becomes easier with the knowledge that my Heavenly Father has a plan for me and while it isn’t the plan I had for myself I have to trust and have faith that his plan is ultimately better for me. Does this mean it doesn’t hurt when the pregnancy test is negative again? Of course not but it makes the pain a little easier to deal with when I think that my Heavenly Father has something in store for me and while I can only see small glimpses he sees the whole picture. Who knows it could be Epic… ya know?
The other thing I have been trying to work out is this depression that I have been dealing with the last couple months. I keep trying to place blame on the medications but it is more and I am done using it as an excuse to wallow and pity myself and waste away my life. While I have been doing this I have been missing out on all the beauty and blessings I have in my life. I am going to start looking for the things I have instead of focusing on the things that I don’t have. I am going to see what I can do to try and fix it. Even if it doesn’t go away at least I will know I tried my best.
So, while I am working on bettering me I am finding that I am working on trusting in my Heavenly Father and my Savior and trusting that their grace, an enabling power, that I will be able to find happiness and health, to find me again.
My hope is that for you out there struggling with infertility that you will be able to find that grace that is promised you. That grace that will help you to focus on the things we can work on and fix. That you will find a peace in knowing that the Lord cares and as hard as it is for us trust in him Take it one step at a time and know that you are not alone.
I just want to leave you will this quote “Just do the very best you can each day!” – Elder Ballard